the day i knw u loved me

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

akhirnya punya sedikit kekuatan untuk menulis. dengan penuh perasaan mungkin

terlalu penat menangis. saat perkhabaran itu sampai ke telinga, terasa luruhnya hati

terasa tamparan yang terlalu dalam. entah mengapa, walau kami tak pernah punya apa apa pertalian sebenarnya

mungkin kecewa. mungkin terlalu kecewa. mungkin kerana dia seorang insan yang pernah saya sayangi. mungkin juga cintai.

saat berita itu saya ketahui, air mata terus tak henti2 mengalir

hati ini terlalu rapuh mungkin. mungkin juga jarak masa yang sudah melebih beratus2 hari tanpa dia masih belum cukup untuk memulihkan hati

atau mungkin sememangnya i have a fragile heart

the fact that memang kami pernah berkongsi rasa hurt me. the fact that i always wanna know his feelings towards me, but he never mention it. till the day he left, he havent exactly clarify his feeling. but then finally i figured it out, and that is one day before kejadian when he officially become someone else's. terasa sedih. when finally i gotta know that i had a place in his heart once upon a time, but maybe that is just not enough.

the feeling i felt last week, was a total disaster. it hurt so bad that i feel like my chest is so heavy. i cried the whole night, woke up late for work, with swollen eyes. not good, i know. :( and even worse, i was oncall that night, and although it was a good call, with no admissions at all! i cant even sleep because i just dont want saturday to come. when the clock strikes 12 midnight, i just couldnt stop thinking about him. the day we first met. the day we first talked on the phone. the day he used to care about me. he did, he used to care. at least i think so

and most of all, i keep on remembering the day i last saw him. we went out together. watched a movie, shopped together. picked few shirts for him. we laughed. we made silly jokes. never did i know that would be the last i ever see his smile in flesh. never did i know that would be the last time i can see him in real life. things are different. i can never see him again. i should not remember him anymore infact. because he is now someone else's fiancee

i dont know if im able to heal after all of these. its too much for me to endure. too hurt for me to digest. im tired. and seriously i dont know if i can ever love someone again. the way i used to.

its not for me to decide. because im so tired

to you. if ure reading this. semoga berpanjangan jodoh awak. and it sure hurts me a lot, but i guess if ure happy, i shouldnt keep on mourning right. but one thing for sure im gonna miss yr frenship still sometimes. thats who we are right? i mean who we were. old friends. u want me to move on kan? dont worry, i will. i will not be waiting for u anymore. not anymore.

why it still hurt?

please Allah, give me strength this time around.

i keep on smiling but it hurt me so bad inside