lepaskan.

i thought i am strong. not strong as in, aku larat angkat besi yang berat2 mengalahkan pekerja binaan. aku ingat aku kuat, walaupun biceps aku lebih kecil dari kawan karibku, yang namanya tidak perlu disebut di sini ;p

and they thought i was strong. but hell yeah, i am not. because hari ni aku nak mengaku.aku tanak in denial lagi, smpai buat aku rase letih sendiri.aku masih belum cukup kuat, sebab ape?
sebab bile malam2 at times, automatic mata ini akan berair secara sendiri(sumpah, bukan sebab ape2 eye ointment)

at times, aku rase mcm sakit sgt.. and the pain is undescribable. i cant point out the location of the pain, but mainly i felt seperti i was suffocating.aku tak pernah rase mcm ni sebelum ni, maybe sebab aku tak pernah syg a stranger sepertimana aku pernah syg die.

sape2 yang kenal aku, they would know that i loved him sangat2. at least i rase mcm tu la. and i've come to the point where i honestly thought he's the one, and i turned my back to the other guys (mcm la ade other guy pon). but at one point in life, i've dreamed about him being the one. tak perlu elaborate lebih2, i dont want anybody to get hurt.

and i've been with him for 3 years plus, almost 4, but not quite yet. tipu la kalau aku cakap aku tak rase pape. tipu la kalau aku cakap aku tak ingat die dah (aku bukan robot, yang boley suke2 ati nak lupe orang, k). sampai i've said to my roomate that kalau i was given an option, i would like to have brain surgery to resect the part where my memories were stored. so it would be easier that way, so that i wont feel the pain, if i ever see him again in real life,pictures etc etc (should not elaborate more)

aku tak nak jadi bitter. but aku rase memang aku bitter gile post breakup ni. there i said it.
aku tanak blame sape2 for what happened. tp i'm only human. haih. :(
both of us tried, but maybe this is what fated to be. Allah balik-balikkan hati kitorang pada masa yang berlainan, maybe it's the sign that our roads will never crossed again.
the thing is, when u've been with someone for a long period of time, you tend to forget of who u are previously, and that's what happened to me. he was my shoulder to cry on, he was my bestest friend, the one i turned to when i was broken. and he promised to be my #1 supporter. he wanted me to succeed, at least that's what he said before. i was comfortable with him. and i know he knew. he saw me at my best (ade ke) and at my worst.

he was the one yg tolong aku mase aku fail dgn penuh jayanye in CA1 mase year 1 aku kat shah alam.aku nangis meraung2, and he was there. he pulled me up, (bukan physically la eh;p)
he gave me the strength to move on. and for that, aku betul2 thankful gile for the things he did to me. die selalu suruh aku utamakan my family first. selalu suruh aku belajar rajin2. die jugak selalu suruh aku jadi doctor yg bley tolong orang dgn ikhlas. walaupun aku degil, aku tak lupe lagi nasihat die.

tapi when things didnt turn out like u hoped, tak seperti yang kita doakan hari2 tu. aku blur. bukan2, bukan blur. i was scared. fear of the unknown(mcm akmal ckp). selalunye bile sedih, aku akan ckp dgn die. aku akan nanges dlm tepon dgn die. tapi bile it involved him, aku rase mcm lonely gile.even aku tahu, my friends would always be there. (and aku syg kawan2 aku.syg sgt2!). and at times, bile something happened in my life, automatic mind aku set nak text him, to tell him wat happened. but tetibe aku teringat, kitorang bukan mcm dulu lagi. there are boundaries that surround us. and aku sedih kerana itu.

tapi aku tahu, i've given my best shot in our whatever ship that we're in. aku dah cuba. segala-galanya.walaupun kadang2, aku rasa aku took things for granted jugak, but at least i've tried. to be a good person. and aku tahu, i should not regret it, sebab this is a phase of life.
a phase where i've to learn from it, walaupun hati aku sakit.

mase the last time we had dinner, die tanye, whether i've deleted his pictures or not. and aku kerana semakin ego hari ini, ckp sudah dgn sgt yakin. sebenarnye aku tipu. aku tak delete lagi pun.bukan tanak, but i feel like masanye belum tiba. bila ia akn tiba, satu hari nanti mungkin.
atau mungkin aku boleh suruh kakak2 or kawan2 tolong deletekan semuanya.
tapi tadi, aku dah tertengok gmbr2 tu. and memories cepat je flashback balik. semua benda aku ingat. dari gmbr aku kat penang. smp gambar kat perlis. aku jadi patah hati kembali
haih

aku mengaku aku masih sedih. aku tanak berada dlm condition in denial. sebab, i have to move on. biar aku keluarkan semua rasa sedih ni. aku rase tak best, sebab aku tahu the fact that i'm losing him. for good. for real. untuk selama-lamanya.
ini takdir. aku kene kuat.

aku jadi sewel jap. bile fahim always mentioned his name.full stop.

aku janji ini entry terakhir aku ckp pasal menda ni. aku kene kuat. or at least biarlah aku pura2 kuat, orang tak perlu tahu hati aku. bertahan dlm hati sajalah.
aku harap lepas ini aku rasa lega. bukan niat aku nak semua orang tahu ape yang aku rase.
sape suro bukak blog ni, kan da padan muka.

kalau korang tanye ape perasaan aku pada dia skrg, aku pun tak tahu. tapi i just want to clarify, that aku takde perasaan benci. sebab aku pernah syg dia bertahun2 lamanye, so aku tak mampu nak benci die. sebab die contribute byk to where i stand now, and for that, aku nk ckp thank u pada dia. terima kasih sgt2 :')

aku harap aku n dia sama2 lebih kuat lepas ni. aku harap in future, we wont look back n regret on the things that tibe2 rase we should try harder. aku harap dlm hati dia, dia pun tak benci aku. aku harap masa lebih cepat berlalu. supaya semua benda ni dpt heal dgn lebih cepat. aku harap dia boleh jumpa orang yang die betul2 syg lepas ni (bunyi mcm fake kan? )

ok la. aku rase aku da luahkan apa2 yg patut. tanak bace? jgn bukak blog ni.
ada lagi yang tak tulis. tapi rasanya personal sgt to share.
untuk dia, i'm sorry for everything i did , and for the things i didnt do.
sorry for all the childish behaviour, my irritating behaviour to u.
kalau terlebih ape2, halalkan k?
and i hope all my secrets will b safe with u selama-lamanya.
u'll never know how much i love u as a person anyway.